Category: Humor

Americans With No Abilities Act

AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT – CONGRESSIONAL ACT 2006

WASHINGTON , DC (AP) – Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing.”

The President pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement “warehouse” stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million “middle man” positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as “Do you have any goals for the future?” or “Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?”

“As a Nonabled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. “This new law should really help people like me.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy, “It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and also find a place for all illegal aliens no matter how useless they may be.”

From Snopes.  Makes me laugh.

[tags]AWNA, Americans With No Abilities Act[/tags]

Nintendo sends President Bush a DS and Brain Age game for birthday

(via Engadget)

As a “Happy Birthday” gift, Nintendo has sent a Nintendo DS Lite to the President and the game Brain Age.  For those not familiar with the game, Brain Age is a game which supposedly helps improve mental function and delays age related memory loss.  This seems like an attempt at a humorous slap at President given the reputation he has in the media.  A bit bold for Nintendo, though, even if intended as a good-natured jab.
[tags]Nintendo, Nintendo DS, Brain Age[/tags]

Cat bathing as a martial art

I wish I could remember where I first saw this link. If whoever initially posted it sees it here, please understand I’d attribute it if I could recall where I got it. That said, please go read the hilarious (to me) guide to bathing a cat.

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk – dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I’ve spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I’ve been able to discount all the facts to the contrary – the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: “This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez.”

. . .

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

More at the site linked. Well worth the couple of minutes it takes to read, I think.

[tags]Pet Rescue, Cat bathing[/tags]

NSA helps man save money on long distance

(via tingilinde)

Humor site The Onion has a funny spoof news article titled “NSA Wiretap Reveals Subject May Be Paying Too Much For Long-Distance.”

The director of the National Security Agency announced at a press conference Tuesday that the ongoing phone surveillance of Cincinnati resident Greg Wyckham has yielded “overwhelming and incontrovertible” evidence that the 37-year-old high-school teacher and married father of three is wasting money on a long-distance plan that does not suit his calling needs.

. . .

“We have stacks of logs showing phone calls placed on weekdays before 9 p.m., as well as calls made with flagrant disregard for the per-minute rate,” Alexander said. “In addition, not once did Mr. Wyckham ask his out-of-state friends and family members with the same long-distance carrier to join him in a money-saving service plan.”

Added Alexander: “Bear in mind that this is a man who earns only $43,220 a year. With both a Dodge minivan in desperate need of repair and the upcoming vasectomy to pay for, he should be more concerned about these expenses.”

NSA analyst Lawrence Reinhard, who headed the team conducting the wiretapping, said Wyckham has several cost-cutting plans to choose from.

I may not like the NSA spying, but it can make for some entertaining satire, I suppose.

[tags]NSA, Long distance, The Onion[/tags]

Harsh penalties on tax evaders

Here’s a story from CNN that should just make you feel warm inside. An Argentinian man, accused of tax evasion, has been hit hard by his country’s government in an attempt to collect back taxes. Just 2 days before Argentina is due to play Germany in the World Cup semi-finals, tax officials took away the man’s large screen plasma TV. That’s a heavy penalty in a soccer-obsessed country.

It was the latest move in a “shock” campaign by Santiago Montoya, the top tax man in Buenos Aires province, the country’s biggest, to curb rampant tax evasion in Argentina.

Tax officials carted off the new big-screen television from a man who owes some 6,100 pesos ($2,000) in back taxes.

“We’ve taken the plasma as a guarantee against the debt he owes,” said Juan Manuel Prada, a provincial tax official.

[tags]Tax evasion, Soccer, World Cup, Argentina[/tags]