More humor from cow-orkers

Sometimes, I like it when my cow-orkers send me jokes. True, most of the time, they are inane (the jokes, not the cow-orkers – they are almost always inane). However, one particular cow-orker (let’s call him J.W.) almost always shares good stuff. This is one of his.

Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. The dog had already locked his jaws on the Boy’s legs.

Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog’s collar and twisted it, breaking the dog’s neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Globe witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline, “Brave Boston Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal.”

“But I’m not a Boston Red Sox fan,&rdquot; the little hero interjected.

“Sorry” replied the reporter. “But since we’re in Boston, I just assumed you were.”

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again, “John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack.”

“But I’m not a John Kerry fan either,” the boy protested.

The reporter replied, “I assumed everybody in this state was either for The Red Sox, John Kerry, or Ted Kennedy. What team or person do you Like?”

“Well, I’m a Texas Ranger fan, and I really like President Bush,” the Boy answered.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began yet again: “Arrogant Little Republican Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

So true, the twist people put on those who disagree with them.

[tags]Arrogant republican kills, Political commentary humor[/tags]

The REAL Sept. 11th story

Thanks to cow-orker James for this dandy write-up of the REAL story behind the Sept. 11th attacks. I’m pretty sure this is much more accurate than the official report.

BUSH: So, what’s the plan again?

CHENEY: Well, we need to invade Iraq and Afghanistan. So what we’ve decided to do is crash a whole bunch of remote-controlled planes into Wall Street and the Pentagon, say they’re real hijacked commercial planes, and blame it on the towelheads; then we’ll just blow up the buildings ourselves to make sure they actually fall down.

RUMSFELD: Right! And we’ll make sure that some of the hijackers are agents of Saddam Hussein! That way we’ll have no problem getting the public to buy the invasion.

CHENEY: No, Dick, we won’t.

RUMSFELD: We won’t?

Continue reading “The REAL Sept. 11th story”

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Continue reading “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here”

Sometimes, Gloria confuzzles me

Bill’s great. He’s insightful, entertaining, and intelligent. His wife is also great, as far as I can tell from what he says about her. Sometimes, however, she says confusing things. Clearly Gloria doesn’t recognize the inherent evil in zombies.

“It’s the new movie by the guys who made ‘Shaun of the Dead’ ,” I said. “You liked that movie.”

“I did,” she said, “although I didn’t like all the zombie killing.”

“What?”

“The zombies,” she repeated. “I haven’t played enough video games to get desensitized to violence like you have,” she said, laughing.

She’s good.

“What exactly are you supposed to do with a zombie?” I asked. “Square dance?”

“Well, they used to be people,” she said.

Zombies are evil. Killer zombie pirates are worse. Killer zombie pirate ninja worse still. But hope you never run in to killer zombie pirate ninjas with robot henchmen and frikkin’ pet sharks that walk on land with frikkin’ laser beams. Such a thing could even make Chuck Norris pause. Understand he’d still kill them all, but there would be a brief pause before he starts, just to be sure he’s ready.

[tags]Zombies are evil, Gloria loves zombies[/tags]

Super Mario Bros. – version from hell

If you are a long-time gamer, you reallllllly need to watch this.  I’ve not finished it, but I can’t quit laughing at every failure this guy has in this modified Super Mario Bros. ROM.  I wouldn’t have to patience to play it, but it’s great to watch.  Definitely not safe for work (NSFW).  Video runs over 20 minutes.

[tags]What Mario would be like in hell[/tags]

Shocking news headline of the day

Sometimes, you just need to stick to the disposable stuff.

Japan’s leading toilet maker Toto Ltd. is offering free repairs for 180,000 bidet toilets after wiring problems caused several to catch fire, the company said Monday.

The electric bidet accessory of Toto’s Z series caught fire in three separate incidents between March 2006 and March 2007, according to company spokeswoman Emi Tanaka. The bidet sent up smoke in 26 other incidents, the company said.

So be careful how you clean our backside.  On the other hand, fire is an extremely effective manner of cleaning and disinfecting.  I suppose it all depends on how much you value quality sterilization.

[tags]Bidets catching fire in Japan?[/tags]

Things computers in movies can do

This might not be quite as funny if you aren’t a computer geek, but I’m sure at least a few of these will be recognizable to even non-techies. The Programming Blog has a long list of things computer in movies can do that computers in real life just can’t seem to manage.

4. All monitors display inch-high letters.
5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
6. Those that don’t have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
27. Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See “Mission Impossible”, Tom Cruise searches with keywords like “file” and “computer” and 3 results are returned.)

Some of the things in the movie can be done by real computers, but that breaks part of the list if you consider that. They also left off the Wargames computer feature of the computer being able to talk to the user no matter what computer the user is on.

[tags]Things computers in movies can do[/tags]

If surgery was like Wikipedia

I like reading The Register. Sometimes, the humor stuff is as worth reading as the real stuff.

If surgery was like Wikipedia: Surgipedia.

Several surgipedians have gathered in an operation theater. On the table lies an unconscious man whos left leg looks dark. Surgipedian #1 grabs a sheet prepared by the patient’s doctor that details the problem.

Surgipedian #1: “Whoa, he’s been lying here for 26 hours, we sure got a backlog again. It also says on this that he has a ‘claudication’ and a ‘chronic venous insufficiency’ in the left leg”, looks at right leg, “and we are asked to do a ‘leg segmental arterial doppler ultrasound exam’. Whatever that is. His leg looks pretty good to me”.

Surgipedian #2: “You looked at the wrong leg. It says the left one”.

Surgipedian #1: “I looked at the left and it’s looking totally normal!”

Surgipedian #2: “The left from his point of view! Do you know where your left leg is?”

And more, as it goes on for a little while. I love Wikipedia, but this made me chuckle anyway.

[tags]If surgery was like Wikipedia[/tags]